LAMENTATIONS OF AN UGLY GIRL (PART 1)

With my bag and baggage, I bundled myself
into a bus going out of Ibadan to school.
Buried in my novel, I heard the driver call out
“last bus stop” I packed my things off the bus
and boarded the bus-shuttle into campus.
As soon as I got to my hostel room and
unpacked, I pinged my girls, none of them was
in school except Bola, so I decided to go to
her place. I then called her
ME: Hello
BOLA: T-lines how far?
ME: I dey ooo, you dey house?
BOLA: Of course, are you coming?
ME: sure
You must have noticed she called me T-lines
there. Well, T-lines is the name Liz coined for
me. It so happened that Viv went for a
modelling audition and dropped my number as
her other number. I was called and told that I
was picked for the modelling job. Here I was
telling my friends:
ME: they don pick me do model ooo!
LIZ: ehn model, na ONWARD u wan model
for?
ME: I don’t get you (looking lost)
LIZ: your advert go sweet ooo, Lines, lines
and more lines (pointing at my face)
VIV: na me o, my phone’s battery was flat
BOLA: (laughing) Tola lines
LIZ: no ooo T-lines
ME: una no well o
LIZ: T-lines for Onward model
Funny how that name has stuck with me since
then.
“This Bola’s hall mate can like to do Aristo
ehn”, I thought to myself as I breezed past an
ash-coloured car in Bola’s off-k apartment.
“Bola ooo” I called out at her door before
knocking. “Girlfriend”, she said as she opened
this door. Ehn ehn see Bola o, this girl is
looking all fresh.
“You have been chopping all your popsy’s
money abi see your skin, Ele to clean” I
yapped letting my Ibadan ascent get ahead of
me in this latter part.
“You don’t look bad either ooo” she replied.
We caught up on gist (we don’t gossip
anyways) *rolls eyes*munching the spaghetti
and sauce she made. “Ehn Ehn, Bola, your hall
mate don come nii?” I almost forgot. “No, she
hasn’t, why did you ask?”
“Who now has the car I saw outside?”
replying her question with another question. I
could not believe my ears, Bola brought the
car, (don`t get me wrong, not trying to
underrate her but she should have told me
something at least a hint).
“I just wanted to watch how you’d react,” she
answered, dangling the keys. I opened my
mouth to say something but I could only
mouth a scream. We went outside and trust
my Yoruba-bred-self to over-pray for her “Emi
a lo, o ni fi gba eyan, won oni kolu e o, Bola”
laying stress on the Bola as I sat in the
driver’s seat fiddling with the steering wheel.
As much as I am happy for her, I am happy
for myself too oh! This means doubling of rep,
escalation of shakara, rolling with big girl with
big toy. We decided not to tell Vivian and Liz
just to see their reactions too.
It could take only a surprise like that to make
me forget my mission *007 like myself*. I had
gone to her place with one aim only: to steal
the black pumps I had seen on her DP three
days earlier and anything else that catches
my fancy knowing that there is always
something to steal from a babe who changes
her entire wardrobe every semester. Last
semester, it was a brown boyfriend jacket
The next Friday when Viv and Liz finally
decided to come to school, you should have
seen Liz and her melodrama acting like the
car was a baby meanwhile Vivian was like
“nice, cool” *this girl like to form ehn* (don’t
say I told you o).
“What if we all go and unwind before the
semester wahala plus I just wash the car for
you guys”. Bola asked
“That’s true, no be only wash you gats bath
am sef” Liz replied, violently pushing the
buttons on the car stereo in a frantic attempt
to play music.
“Let’s meet at my place at say eight” Bola
continued.
“We can always trust you to make a late
entry, you look good anyways,” Liz said,
immediately Vivian stepped in the room filling
the air with her scent later that day.
“Leggo, let’s do this” Bola shouted dabbing on
lipstick. Looking all decked up, we walked into
the VIP section of one of the most exclusive
bar/club around campus tailed by the eyes of
others at the bar. Bola began to down the
drink as soon as she bought the bottle. Soon
she and Liz were dancing like witches under
anointing while I was uploading pictures on
almost every social media I was on.
“Stupid boy”, I said aloud about to type the
words in reply to my brother who was teasing
me about using my Aristo’s car as DP. Just
as I clicked on the track pad, I felt someone
tap my shoulder from behind.
“Hello” I heard the owner of the hand say in a
rich baritone voice. I turned to look at him but
I could not make out the face because of the
dim lights in the bar. Before I replied, he
continued asking if I would like to dance
“Depending on who is asking?” a little
famzing won’t hurt now abi”.
“Who else, me of course” He replied laughing.
“Ok, let’s see” I stretched my neck to reach
his ears because of the blaring music from
the speakers. I could notice his tiny gold
necklace as it glowed in the dark.
Time to finally practice my bathroom dance
steps on someone, comfortably Skelewu-ing
as Davido’s Skelewu was playing, I saw him
smile, He sef try as he was quite a good
dancer, we danced through, D’banj’s Raise
your glasses and other tunes before Viv came
to tell me that it was time to leave. We
exchanged BBM pins and God bless GLO, that
night we became chatty. His name was
Segun, Microbiology department’s social
secretary, loves to watch football and meet
people.
“Come down ooo” Vivian called me out of
cyberspace. “Wait first, na Vivian drive” I
thought to myself but was too engrossed in
the chat to talk. We chatted about everything
from politics to fashion to entertainment
before I fell asleep but not before we chose to
meet at the cafeteria the next day.
At around 10pm, the following day, I pinged
Segun and told him.
Madam Tola Suave – Approaching the
cafeteria in a bit, hope you are still coming
A Sage named Sege – Sure, I’ll be there in a
sec
Madam Tola suave – Okay already waiting
ooo
After typing, I gave myself another once over,
I try nah, pulling up the Sasha P look, which
is my favourite anyways, with red jacket,
white top and black jeans. I entered into the
cafeteria after notifying him I was there. Just
as I was about rummaging through my bag
for my mirror and lipsticks, the red notification
light on my BB caught my attention
A Sage named Sege – I can`t find you
ooo, What are you wearing?
Madam Tola Suave – Red top

WATCHOUT FOR PART 2: